Chris Tries to Review Wine: VINTJS Paso Robles Petite Sirah

VINTJS 2012 Paso Robles Petite Sirah ($6.99 at Trader Joe’s, Union Square)

Smell: Smells like it’s about a $1.50 step-up from a $4.99 wine. But is it worth the TWO WHOLE DOLLARS more I paid? Smell alone suggests not.

Taste: Um. Strange. Initially it hits the tongue with the metallic smack of a $4.99 (or even a $3.99) bottle of TJs random red. But then something strange and magical happens: It doesn’t suck!

Glass One:

I’d be hard pressed to describe what I’m really tasting here except to say that it is:

1. Wine, and
2. Inoffensive

In fact with each sip it gets better! It’s kind of like drinking sea water. Both in that it’s suspiciously salty and that the more I drink it the more I want more of it.

Glasses Two Through Four:

And then maybe this Snapchat happened:

Glass Five:

This glass was sitting half-empty next to my head when I woke up this morning nearly 2 hours after I was supposed to get up. Because apparently instead of setting an alarm before going to bed I set my iPad to play various podcasts all night long (at least that explains why Jad Abumrad and the Glow Cloud were getting it on in my dream).

Oh, and this was on my Desktop:

#DECISIONS

I’m left with so many questions: How the hell am I supposed to pronounce VINTJS? Is the “TJS” at the end an oblique reference to Trader Joe’s? And where or what is a Paso Robles?? And–– wait a second–– am I actually just drinking three-buck chuck with chintzy gold foil??

I guess I’ll just have to buy another bottle of VINTJS 2012 Paso Robles Petit Sirah to find out…

AHS Coven E07: Cue the Jazz Freakout! (feat. Zombie Three Way)

The witches of New Orleans return from their Thanksgiving hiatus tonight. Catch up on the body count with Chris’s hazy, tryptophan-fueled recollections of what happened two weeks ago on American Horror Story: Coven.

Pictured:  Chris at Thanksgiving dinner, last Thursday.

Pictured:  Chris watching American Horror Story, last Friday.

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New York vs. New York vs. New York

Aaaaaand we’re back from our short little holiday hiatus!  

Sorry I’m not sorry for using this again.

How was your Thanksgiving?  Did you consume your weight in gravy and dodge questions about finding a nice, educated boyfriend like Leo in the Matrix, only with more sass?  Good job.  You win at family gatherings!

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14 Unforgettable Turkey GIFs

It’s the ABHEST Holiday Hiatus!

We’ll be back next week with the stressed-out festive Holiday Season content that you’ve come to expect from us, but right now Kate is busy flying to Real America to spend the holiday with Real Americans and Chris is totally swamped tracking down some Locally-Made Organic Vegan Pumpkin Ice Cream to eat with several other Un-American Americans.

So instead of any “words” here are 14 Turkey-related GIFs that are sure to make your holiday memorable!

xo
Chris & Kate

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New York vs. New York vs. New York

Busy warming up the kitchen for this week’s Thanksgivukkah Extravaganzukkah, you savvy New Yorker you? Well turn that water down to a simmer, grab a towel and say hello to the mysterious man standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Because it’s time for NEW YORK (-er) vs. NEW YORK (Magazine) vs. NEW YORK (Times).

Pictured:  You, right now.

First up, in THE NEW YORKER’s Tech Issue:

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AHS Coven E06: The Axeman Cometh (Is the Actual Name of This Episode, I Kid You Not)

We open to:  Another flashback! 1919! Typewriters and jazz in New Orleans! And someone some people call “the axeman”!

It’s like we’re watching an episode of the The X-Files and instantly knowing that we’re diving headfirst into a “monster of the week” episode. Except one where the murderer loves jazz and the girls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (circa 1919) are busily debating whose jazz records will best defend against this square-murdering fiend.

"Let’s go find some witches, Mulder."

All of this culminates in an ol’ fashioned witch murder frenzy, in which the evil 1919 serial killer is killed and we have to wonder WELL, WHAT MADNESS DOES THIS PORTEND?

Find out on this week’s episode of AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN.

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Kate and Chris Get Weird: A New ABCAST Short!

Are you ready to listen to the strangest ABCAST of Kate and Chris cooking in the kitchen?  

Then It’s your lucky day! We thought it’d be fun to record while Kate was cooking, but honestly the result is just…bizarre.  

Chris was all:

and Kate was like:

…and 12 minutes later a delicious plate of butternut squash and pine nut pasta was born, plus a podcast you can listen to right below these very words! Or on Soundcloud! Or you could do it the old-fashioned way and subscribe on iTunes!

New York vs. New York vs. New York

Writing Reading this as you return from a whirlwind 42-hour getaway in scenic Missouri for the nuptials of your favorite cousin named Geoff?  Wondering why the grown man next to ate five fiber one bars and doesn’t know how to blow his nose?  Well grab yourself a signature Delta Airlines pairing of Totally Drinkable Chardonnay and Welch’s fruit snacks, because it’s time for your weekly dose of all things New York.  

That’s right, it’s time for a witty little column we like to call New York vs. New York vs. New York!

This week, New York Magazine tries to scare us all away from buying their sassy little publication at the newsstand with this bone chilling cover:

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AHS Coven E05: Baby Resurrection Achievement Unlocked!

Trying to get caught up before tonight’s all new American Horror Story: Coven, you savvy basic-cable-viewer you? Well so’s Chris, and that’s why he’s here with another last-minute recap (with extra ZOMBIES).

American Horror Story:  The basic cable show with the second-highest weekly Original Zombie Count (OZC)!

And now, on (last week’s) American Horror Story:

Welcome to Kathy Bates’s Chamber of Horrors, circa 1833! Where the peeled grapes that are supposed to feel like eyeballs are ACTUALLY EYEBALLS, and where Kathy’s daughters are actually scheming against their psychotic mother— oh no wait she’s tying them all up in her dungeon. Just another Halloween in New Orleans!

Speaking of:  Back in the present day we’re right where we left off at the end of the last episode, with Kathy’s tortured zombie children trick-or-treating with a few dozen of their best zombie friends–– all summoned by an ancient Angela Bassett-related zombie voodoo spell, of course. It’s just like watching The Walking Dead, except actually interesting!

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New York vs. New York vs. New York

Still recovering from a wild night out on the town, you savvy New Yorker you? Well rest assured you are not alone!

So take our advice: Just order some Chinese, wrap yourself in snuggie, and let your mind wander in with the weekly cultural buffet we like to call NEW YORK (-er) vs. NEW YORK (Magazine) vs. NEW YORK (Times).

Professional re-enactment of Chris this morning right now.

First up, in THE NEW YORKER:

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